


Change or No Care

by orphan_account



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-13
Updated: 2018-02-13
Packaged: 2019-03-10 19:39:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13508403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: This is really bad but I'm posting it so it doesn't disappear whoops





	Change or No Care

Whatever reason Kaneki had to be alive seemed distant at this point. A foggy memory of fighting for his life was all he had too keep him going, and that was complete shit to him right now. He was empty. So empty. The depression that had hovered around him for the past few months managed to suck all the life out of him. Everything was gray. Nothing had color.

He was free from Aogiri, or at least free physically. This was a freedom he had never had before, and so he went back into the world he'd been away from for so long. He first returned to Anteiku, where everyone was so kind and welcoming, yet it felt wrong. No matter how long he stayed, it didn't feel right. He didn't even have control over his own actions: he was spending full nights crying, and he couldn't stop snapping at anyone who bothered him. He didn't know what to do. He kept having nightmares, terrible dreams about being locked back up and tortured. But he longed for something in that place: he longed to pity himself again. 

He hated himself for it. He wanted to be content with living his life. How awful of him. He shouldn't be longing to go back. But he wanted a reason to feel sorry for himself, a reason to feel loved. At Anteiku, everyone was avoiding him, afraid to set him off in some way. But there, everyone was jusr thankful that they weren't in his place. 

The small longing refused to go away. Soon, it was all that was on his mind. He wanted to be hurt. Here, he was much lonlier. So he left a note. And then he was gone. 

At Aogiri, he was allowed in under Noro's instruction. And that was that. He was appointed the position of a watchdog: a position that eliminated the threat of him helping any sort of revolution the prisoners might want. He was surprised that they weren't at all skeptical. But maybe they could simply tell what was on his mind. Or maybe his case wasn't at all special, and this was how all of their prisoners ended up. Dogs. Like him. He hated it. All he saw every day was other ghouls in the very place he longed to be in. He wanted to be hurt. He wanted to grow worse and worse. He wanted to fall apart. So he began to seek out trouble.

He first went to Ayato. Ayato hated him, but wouldn't kill him. He was too important to Touka. So he broke into his room and waited. The place was just as filthy as him. He loved it. So he waited, sitting cross-legged, for the ghoul to return to his room for the night. Kaneki wondered what he might do. Maybe kill him. Maybe just beat him up. Maybe Ayato wouldn't even return that night. Kaneki wasn't really scared about what might happen. In fact, he felt a thrill that he hadn't felt before for the longest time. His anticipation was beginning to make him change his mind when Ayato opened his door and saw Kaneki lounging on his couch. He was so pissed that the entire building could probably hear him spew curses as he approached Kaneki. He just smiled and remained silent. 

He was beat up for a while, and even attacked with a broken bottle lying around. Finally, Ayato grabbed him by the chin and jerked him up off of the ground, demanding to know why he was there. Kaneki did nothing but make a show of licking his lips, then took the younger boy by surprise when he started sucking on one of his fingers. He was slapped and thrown across the room. He sat in the corner, panting, head tilted back. He was already starting to heal from his injuries. His legs were spread. Ayato walked over and grabbed him by the hair. Kaneki opened his mouth and let Ayato use him. He at least felt something when he was being used. He loved it. He started choking, but Ayato didn't stop. It hurt so bad that he managed to forget why he was there in the first place. And in that moment, he loved it.

Ayato defiled him. It hurt so bad. He started crying, but he didn't want it to stop. He hated it. He would have been screaming if he didn't have Ayano's fingers stuck down his throat. But he loved it. He was pitying himself again, and that was enough. And because of that, he loved it.

It lasted until Ayato was done, and Kaneki was thrown out of the room and onto the cold floor. He couldn't walk back to his room, so he holed up in a storage room and cried. The feeling of emptiness was worse than before. But wasn't that what he wanted? To feel worse about himself. He knew he couldn't go back and face Anteiku, so he stole from the food supply and let himself heal. 

He returned to his position as a watchdog the next day. At night, he returned to Ayato's room and once again forgot himself for a good hour. That night he was able to return to his own room. There he slept and forgot. The next day the same events transpired. The same on Friday. Saturday too. Finally on Sunday, as he did every six days, Ayato left to go out to town and Kaneki was alone. He sat mindlessly at his post on top of the second tower and looked around. Nothing, as usual. He was so empty. Nothing of his old self was left. 

He finished his shift and wandered. He felt the emptiness eating him up inside. He eventually found another guard sitting and smoking alone on the tower near his room. Kaneki sat silently next to him. He was offered a cigarette and he cautiously smoked it. It tasted awful, like scorched toast. He hated it. So he continued. Then he offered to blow the other ghoul. He said didn't mind, so Kaneki did. Then he wandered back to his room. Hating himself.

"I wonder what my sister would think of this: me screwing you," Ayato had commented once. Kaneki immediately punched Ayato. He didn't mean to. He was just so angry at the time. The teen spit blood and immediately yanked Kaneki up of the floor and slammed him against the wall. He was in so much pain. But it felt so good. 

After a couple of weeks, Ayato seemed to grow fond of his past time with Kaneki. He would even let Kaneki stay and rest for a bit after they were done. Kaneki felt cared about. But he was bothered by the fact that he was getting better. He didn't want to be okay. He was scared of losing the only emotion he knew how to feel: emptiness. He would sit by the window and smoke with Ayato. It was a disgusting habit and it would probably end up killing him, but he couldn't help it. He wanted to hurt. He wanted to fall apart.

Whenever Ayato left, Kaneki had started getting to know the other guard. He was a pretty nice guy, but neither of them talked much. He didn't know why he kept visiting: maybe out of habit, or fear of losing a friend in this darker world he was part of. He didn't want to be more alone than he already was. His relationship with Ayato was barely existent since he was the one who was disposable at any minute. He was too emotionally unstable to risk losing his connection with him, so he stayed. He was only a watchdog. And when he wasnt, he was Ayato's lapdog. It was a despicable way of living. But he managed to forget how much he hated living, and that was what mattered. 

He wasn't even in the same body anymore. His lungs were revealing the consequences of smoking constantly for half a year, his breathing was slower after Ayato had taught him to shoot up, and he could hardly sleep or eat anymore. He was getting worse, and yet he wasn't satisfied. He was now Ayato's personal property, he couldn't leave the room and he was no longer a watchdog. Alone more often, since Ayato worked all day. What happened to him to make him this way; so dependant on someone so awful? He was so much worse now. Living was horrible, but he didn't want to die. He was stuck in a kind of limbo between the two. And it was killing him faster than anything else. 

He didn't cry anymore. He didn't feel anymore. He didn't want anything anymore. So when Ayato finally got bored and kicked him out, he left. He didn't care. 

He didn't have a home anymore. He didn't have a name anymore. When he was attacked by ghouls in an alley and left to die, he didn't care. He didn't even feel pain. 

He didn't have a life anymore. He didn't have energy. So when a man with a briefcase approached, he just stated blankly. 

He was familiar. Dark hair, like his. A riteous face. Strength in his eyes. 

That's what Kaneki was missing. 

The man looked at his eye and made the connection. And then glared. So much hate. Passion. Energy. Strength. Kaneki closed his eyes. 

It was raining like it had been the last time they met. 

The energy that remained in him left and he fell back against the wall. 

The man watched as he lost a battle he had been fighting a very long time. Not against anyone, or even death really. Against giving up. He surrendered. 

The man picked him up and carried him somewhere unknown to him, where everything was pure and white. No darkness. 

No darkness.

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by a song - No Care by Daughter


End file.
